Being kind to myself by retreating into my shell:
Today I am grateful that I gave myself permission to have a few days off from writing this blog.
As much as I love writing about my ‘100 days of happy’ project, I realised I was putting too much pressure on myself to write the “perfect” posts (whatever the “perfect” post may look like!).
I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed.
And having chronic fatigue does not bode well with overwhelm.
I’m also a perfectionist.
And perfectionism is not a friend of chronic fatigue either.
So feeling overwhelmed with writing the perfect blog = crash, bang, wallop!
It was only a few weeks ago that I started easing myself back into writing, just for 20 minutes each day. But then decided to set myself this 100 day project, and write about it every day, and then turn it into a blog, and then tell all my friends what I was doing.
Yeah, I know.
I don’t do things by halves me! And it’s probably not the best idea when you need to be taking things slow and gentle.
While I really enjoyed writing it ‘off-line’, as soon as I set up the blog and put it out there, I fell to pieces. Knowing a handful of lovely people have kindly subscribed and are now getting my posts directly into their in-boxes, completely freaked me out.
Now my posts HAD to be good, I warned myself. I couldn’t post just any old crap.
I’d started writing it for me, but now I felt a responsibility to write something really fantastic and interesting every single day. Something others would enjoy reading. And keep reading.
It absolutely terrified me and I felt myself shut down.
I crumbled under the pressure.
And I know that I’m the one putting pressure on myself. No one else is doing that. I can do a perfectly good job of that all by very myself thank you very much.
When the fact is, I’ve been absolutely bowled over by all the kind lovely comments and support I’ve received so far. I really couldn’t have asked for a nicer bunch of readers.
I knew I needed to take a break from writing. I needed to gift myself with complete rest. The sky wasn’t going to fall in if I didn’t write for a few days.
I retreated back into my turtle shell, put my laptop away, and delved into my recovery tool kit. I did what I had to do to help myself recover.
I’m proud that every day, I continued to find my happy. But instead of writing about it in the blog, I wrote a short couple of lines in my gratitude journal.
As I tentatively started to emerge from my turtle shell, my thoughts slowly turned back towards my blog. I reminded myself of why I started it.
Thankfully I’ve put it all back into perspective and am feeling much better for it. For now. I realise this may crop up again, and if it does I’ll know what to do.
It’s ok that my writing isn’t perfect. It’s ok that it’s not for everyone. And it’s ok to not write for a day or so if I’m not feeling well enough.
I’m giving myself permission to be ok as I am: to be the best that I can be in this moment.
So with this in mind, my happy for today is being kind to myself by retreating into my shell.